Today as I drove home, I found myself smiling with the radio all the way up. I was smiling. For no reason. I just had joy in my heart. And I have missed that joy for awhile now.
Let's back up here for a minute. What is JOY to me?
Joy is looking at all my clothes washed and put away
Joy is sending home the last kid of the day (haha)
Joy is watching my husband sleep
Joy is spending time with all of my sisters
Joy is waking up early to join together to worship at church
Joy is sitting down and just talking with friends
Joy is resting
Joy is peace
Joy is love
Joy is feeling happy
Joy is positive
Joy is found in Jesus
And I had lost this thing Joy. It became a thing of the past, I thing I longed to have again. I talked about it. I wished for it. I pretended to have it.
The void was still there.
You see, our world is good at trying to fill a void. Such as:
A daughter that has an absentee father and tries to find her worth in other men
A man that feels lonely and tries to fill a void with multiple women
A child that feels alone at school who tries to fill a void by bullying others
Lace to face interaction and more electronically speaking
A family begins to break apart so the child acts out for attention
People have extra time so their lives are consumed with TVs
A boy feels empty inside so he eats himself away
A girl feels ugly so she tries to fill a void with make up
While we try to fill this void, it never actually works. We are usually left feeling more alone and broken then we were before.
I want you to know I use 'we' very seriously. I struggle with always trying to fill voids in my life.
Just recently when I lost my Joy, I went down a very dark path. I've mentioned it a few times before, but basically it wasn't pretty. I became a selfish, broken, hatred filled person. And I became depressed, as many witnessed. Depression is a funny thing. Growing up I felt like every other girl "Suffered" from depression. I saw it as a crutch. The more I got older and the more I witnessed depression first hand, I realized just how serious it is.
Depression can drag a person down real fast. It has a way of taking you from a high point to your lowest in a matter of minutes. All it takes is one person to say the wrong thing, a memory from your past, a song on the radio. Depression is usually hard to pinpoint a trigger. So I became a victim of it. It consumed me. My life. My marriage. My job. My church. My self worth. Everything.
It got to a point where I dreaded the nights I knew Mac had to leave for work. I knew it was 24 hours I was going to have to spend alone. I knew those nights would be long. And depression would welcome me like an old friend. I became scared inside to stay alone. I would begin inviting someone to stay with me every third night. I didn't plan on ever being alone again.
And that quickly bit me in the butt. I needed a break from people. I backed off and invited people over less and less. I wanted to have peace. And just like that I was gone. I really can't tell you how depression grabbed a hold of me, but it had found a way.
A few weeks ago I was alone for nearly 3 days (besides the children I watched during the day). I completely lost it. And I had no intent to. I got one of those very random itches to just clean everything late one night. It was probably midnight or so and out of no where I found myself weeping on the floor. I couldn't stop, I tried. I hurt. I was angry. I didn't understand why I went through what I was going through. I didn't know why it was so darn hard to just fall asleep in my bed alone. I've done it for nearly 20 years (granted I always had family in other rooms).
I can picture it now. I was on my knees grabbing at the floor angry. I was asking why over and over. I looked up and kept asking why. And then it hit me. I was talking to God. It had been so long since I had done that. So I kept going. I prayed and I prayed. For what felt like ages. It was like running into an old high school friend in Walmart. You try to catch up and realize you've been there for 2 hours. I caught up with God. I knew He knew all, but it felt good getting it off my chest.
This is the big part, I confronted the depression. I asked God to remove this darkness from me. That I now can see that depression isn't some powerful, almighty monster that can steal me away at any moment. It was just another chopping tool satan was trying to use. I WAS FED UP. The darkness fled and I was filled with God's Spirit. I didn't need any worldly thing to fill me, I knew what I needed.
And just like that, I found my Joy.
So as today makes almost 3 days without seeing my husband, yet I have Joy. I am not alone. I have friends and family that love me. But most of all-I have an Almighty Savior who has got my back. He comforts me in the light and leads me through the dark. I am not alone.
It really hit me this afternoon just how blessed I am. I am telling you guys, I couldn't take the smile off my face! People near me probably thought I was crazy smiling one minute and bursting into song the next. I was truly happy.
It all began that one night. After being filled with God, I began praying. Randomly in the shower, when I was pulling my hair out with kids, fighting with Mac, stressing out-I just completely surrounded myself in prayer. And it feels good!!! God began to talk to me. Show me His plans. Guide me. I was whole again.
So to sum up this random, out of the blue, extremely long post:
Depression is just a tool Satan uses to steal, kill, and destroy. You choose whether it consumes you.
Joy only can be brought to you by God. It is a blessing you choose to accept.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
